An Unconventional Baby Shower

In America, many of our rituals and ceremonies revolve in some way around capitalism. Wedding showers, weddings, bachelorette parties, birthday parties, holidays, graduations, and baby showers all come with the expectation of gifts, cards, wrapping paper, and a plentiful meal. Often, a theme or decorations are also involved.

During my yoga teacher training, our lead teachers challenged the American values around family gatherings and rites of passage. For example, becoming a mother is a serious transformation for a woman. So why do our baby showers revolve around party games and chit chat? Why not allow for more gravity and depth in the situation? We tend to anesthetize things here- to avoid diving into vulnerability.

So, when it came to having a shower for me, I felt confused. A shower is a way to honor a rite of passage into motherhood, and that ritual is important to both the new mom and all the women who want to lift up and support their loved one during the transition. And realistically, babies do need stuff. It’s just a fact. And yet, I had reservations. I wanted to come up with a shower that allowed us to gather with loved ones in a meaningful way to celebrate the huge transformation about to take place.

My sister Bonnie, mom, and cousin Michelle hosted the shower for me. They came up with the perfect theme- Amanda’s having a little gnome. Drew and I love gnomes and given the timing around the holidays, we all felt really excited about a theme we could tie into our Scandinavian Heritage.

I wrote down my “weird requests” for Michelle and Bonnie to see how they’d react.

• Please, no wrapping paper.

• Once-loved, gently used items more than welcome!

• Could my Grandpa, Dad, male cousins, and husband be invited?

• Could we keep the gathering rather small?

• And lastly, I wanted to opt away from games and instead honor the women in the room with an activity I’ll describe later.

Michelle and Bonnie agreed to all my requests with enthusiasm. Bonnie and my mom turned into Santa’s elves hand-crafting decorations for the party (they hand-made just about everything!). We enjoyed a sit-down meal and splendidly decorated tables.

Afterward we gathered in a circle and I asked my grandparents and great-aunts to share memories of their mothers.

My paternal great-grandmother, Ethel, died at age 45 in 1940. My maternal great-grandmother, Dora, raised seven children, including two sets of twins, largely on her own. We listened silently as they shared their experiences growing up in the shadow of the Great Depression and during World War II. We allowed space and time for intentional listening, questions, and reflections on life. Between my four great aunts and Grandma and Grandpa Thoe, we had about 540 years of experience in the room. We were also able to tell (and show) our great aunts the important and meaningful role they have played in our lives. My great aunties have been an integral part of my life. Some of them have their own grandchildren, some do not, but to all four I have always felt like an honorary granddaughter. It was nice to acknowledge that- to say “thank you, I love you. The cards you sent to me for every birthday and after every injury mean a lot to me.”

To close, we opened up the circle and everyone shared something their mother did that they really loved and/or a piece of advice. We all cried.

Honestly, it was a strange experience. In my Thoe family, we tend to keep feelings carefully contained; a light tap on the shoulder is our idea of a bear hug. We are Scandinavian Minnesotans after all. To spend time in raw honesty and reflection was so out of the ordinary and emotional that I think I will be processing the experience for a long time to come.

I am incredibly fortunate to have grown up in a family with such strong familial support and deeply rooted values- kindness and a hard work ethic.

I share all this simply to say- it is okay to challenge norms and traditions. It is okay to rethink the way we do things and try something new. It’s never too late to start entirely new traditions.

Thank you to all who have shown me so much support the past 32 weeks! We are anxiously awaiting the arrival of Baby Imes!