I Can't Do Yoga

Shawna Vine Photography

I Can’t Do Yoga

I can’t do yoga 

I can’t plank, “rock ‘n’ roll”, move fast, stretch too far

I can’t feel strong  

I am not flexible

I can breathe

I can be present

I can meditate

I can chant

I can be mindful

I can move gently

I can appreciate myself; my body, my mind, my practice

I can do yoga

………………………………………………..

Shawna Vine Photography

During our last class of the weekend, at our November Lean Into Gratitude Yoga Retreat, I cried. A lot. Joella taught a beautifully empowering yin yoga class, as always.  I cried throughout the last half of her class; for the things I am able to do and the things I am not able to do. They were grateful tears. Just before savasana, I wrote the excerpt above. 

I only attended the last half of Joella’s class because I was breastfeeding my baby during the first part.  I didn’t expect to feel the tears rise almost as soon as I walked through the doors to the yoga space.

Seven weeks prior to the retreat I had an unexpected c-section after a very long induced labor.  I was 41.5 weeks pregnant when our sweet little baby finally made his appearance. Needless to say the whole labor and delivery experience was more difficult, painful, scary, and yes even wonderful at the same time, than I could have imagined.  Recovering from a major surgery was the furthest thing from what I had envisioned. 

My husband, mother-in-law, sister-in-law, and I all shared a room at the retreat with our 7-week-old sweetheart Graham.  My friends and partners Amanda, Joella, and Stacy supported me throughout the retreat. I feel very fortunate that a lot of my friends attended the retreat too.

Most notably, some of the most heartfelt and empowering comments and stories came from retreaters that I had never met before.  Their words meant everything to me. The love in the room when I taught (my second class since having a baby) was palpable and genuine.  It was a very supportive and encouraging environment and I had a powerful personal experience that weekend because of it.   

In our closing circle I thanked the group.  Having my baby at the retreat meant that I didn’t really participate in the activities and socializing part. Despite that, I felt like I really had little meaningful conversations with new, and old friends.  I also feel like I had a very uplifting, nurturing, and needed experience. Transitioning back into something you love after the mind-blowing experience of childbirth and having your first baby is certainly something.  And so, during Joella’s yin yoga class I cried, I breathed, I moved gently with lots of modifications, and I wrote my little piece above.

You see, I preach all the time that yoga is for EVERY. BODY. I believe it. Practicing what you preach is humbling.  You do not have to be able to touch your toes, sit on the floor, get on your hands and knees, hold a down dog… nope you don’t have to be able to DO anything.  All you need to be able to do to practice yoga is breathe. 

When I was laying in the hospital bed, going on 24+ hours of labor, the only thing I could do to stay focused and calm was: inhale - point my toes - exhale - flex my feet.  That little practice of moving my toes, and breathing - that was a very critical yoga practice for me in that moment (well, hours…).

A few days later, when I was home and it took all my upper body strength to sit up in bed without the ability to use my core muscles, my breath was everything. Breathing through the pain of a tender incision, breathing to access my strength, and breathing to maintain my cool in a very frustrating situation.  

A couple weeks later, my yoga practice consisted of mindful walks; sometimes with the baby, and sometimes just with the dog. Appreciating the trees, the sunshine, the earth beneath my feet, and the air in my lungs. 

While at both retreats, I found myself in the early stages of recovery; every physical movement feeling foreign and weak. My once limber body feeling stiff and restricted.  The physical practice of yoga was somewhat anxiety-producing because of the presenting challenges. However, the breath practice was inviting. As was meditation, chanting, mudras, and writing. All of these elements are yoga.  They are all equally important.  

When you find yourself presented with a physical challenge, the practice of yoga does not need to stop.  In fact, that’s where it all really begins. 

I know my physical yoga practice will become familiar, comforting, and exhilarating again one day. I also know that it is okay to not be there yet.  Yoga is so much more than poses on the mat. The holistic elements are what truly make the practice special. 

Shawna Vine Photography

Written by Bryana Cook, MSW, LGSW, RYT-500, C-IAYT Trainee

Bryana is co-owner of Boreal Bliss Yoga Retreats and teaches in Longville & Walker, MN through her nomad business: Northern Namaste Yoga.