An Unexpected Story During my 40th Year
My story begins with the culmination of palpable grief, ebb and flow of loss, change - evolution of self. The journey to 40 intensified to an extreme with finality of divorce, the final chapter of my father’s life, the coming together of a new life with a new love in a Hallmark-esc town, in reality just as complex as any spot on the map.
In preparation for my 40th, I dreamed of the soulful women in my life gathering together in the woods, bonding, relaxing and imbibing upon a smorgasbord of spiritual treats - massage, yoga, sound therapy and (of course!) loads of bright fresh food to feast upon.
As the celebration approached, anxiety bubbled up. I hadn’t had a moment of time alone in…..how long? It had been longer than I’d ever like to admit. It had been me, holding it together, me wracking my heart and soul for ways to love deeper, care deeper for my children, my partner - anyone but me. I was depleted to the point that I could not find the reset button. All the tools I had accumulated through the years seemed out of reach. Retreat began to call. I just wanted to get away. I knew that a day at the spa to myself would not fix my weary heart. I knew a gathering of friends took more than I could give.
I began to seek exotic locations, simplistic, rustic get aways, trips to far away cities. For some reason this sweet retreat group here in MN kept calling. Away from home, yet within driving distance. All I wanted was a reset back into the yoga practice I had set aside while surviving. I arrived in Lanesboro after a 5 hours of crying to a heart wrenching playlist. I unwound all that had been stitched together by pain and resolve. Now melting and opening to something new. Something for me. The weekend began and exhaustion set in. No problem! It must be the long drive from Ely.
Yet, the heavy lethargy invaded and never lifted. I fought against a gnawing head pain and heaviness. No sweet stretch or slowing belly breaths alleviated this call to lie down, this forced hibernation to my top bunk. I continued to do my practice, showing up for classes and retreating back to my solitude.
There were moments of connection with women I will always remember as glowing and filled with this awe inspiring energy. I am grateful for those moments of finding “my people” even while walking in a haze. One of the sweetest surprises was being offered mantra and mudra with my Saturday morning practice. This captivated me on a visceral level, tears brightened my eyes as I instantly felt that space of peace and coming home. It had been years since I had slowly turned off the Kundalini yoga mantras I had once chanted morning noon and night. I hadn’t realized how deeply I needed these. I know now.
As I returned home, not truly renewed, I began to ease back into “normal” life. It was my time of the month coming, with the full moon as always, yet it rose and descended without me. I waited, barely taking breaths, knowing, yet not believing. Soon 4 tests confirmed the life inside me budding. Holy S%!*, I’m pregnant. I’m 40 and pregnant.
Yogis of Boreal Bliss Yoga Retreats, my Omies, thank you for the perfectly imperfect renewal of me back to my center of knowing. The timing could not have been more poetic.
Christy Majchrzak lives in Ely, MN. Thank you for sharing your story with us Christy. <3